Rather than continue on that blog interface, I chose to continue my journey here on a platform I'm more familiar with. The sequencing is easier for me to figure out.
THE CONTINUED JOURNEY
In understanding my own journey that includes detaching from institutional church, I've met with challenges. Guilt is a big one. But even so, it's hard to know if what I feel is conviction of the Holy Spirit, or false guilt. What I might feel--usually on a Saturday or Sunday night--could be grief, longing, impatience; wanting to know the end of the story; wanting assurance that my children will still pursue God in their lives. My church going life has seen many changes in my 60+ years and I'm trying to make sense of it. 
WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
Feeling the need to fix my spiritual journey has been tantamount. I'm a fixer. I am a problem solver. Some routines feel important to me. Changing my routine this late in life brings questions.
My husband is half of our marriage, and he says he is done with church. My adult children could care less about church now. I get these points of view, but I don't know if I should feel upset. I try to give my feelings, my husband, my children to God to deal with.
Though many deconstructionists leave the church, that doesn't mean they lose their sense of desiring to connect with God or others of the same faith. We all know iron sharpens iron. We seek comfort from others at times. My parents were my models. Their church was their community. What happens if you lose your community?
Where do we find support when we need it? When you leave the church--the people of the same faith as you--how do you fill the gap?
EVERYTHING IS CHANGING
When my dad passed away, the church he had attended provided a lunch after the funeral. And so many attended, it was a blessing. I recall saying, I needed to find a church that will make sandwiches for a funeral when or if needed.
But nowadays, church attendance is dwindling. The number of older ones who made sandwiches and so on, is dwindling too. Many people are having family members cremated and holding graveside gatherings or no gathering at all. Everything is different. The pandemic ushered in many changes.
And what became tiresome for my husband and myself is copycat churches all doing the same thing in the same formats. I guess that's something that hasn't changed fast enough.
So part of my journey has included coming to terms with change and also lack of change.
RULES
I had an epiphany the other day. I wrote this on my BlueSky account
I tole a store clerk my grocery points weren't showing up in my account. I'd already troubleshooted online, so when I checked out asked the clerk to ensure my points card went through. She told me it hadn't. And she had no way to manually input them.
I expected her to know how to fix the issue. Instead, she described what SHE thought the issue was--assuming it was something I was doing incorrectly. She carried on with her theory until I looked her in the eye and blurted out, "I disagree with you" and a bit of detail before I began walking away. But she kept talking. And I chose to ignore her. She wasn't hearing me. She wasn't helping me.
I left the store feeling annoyed but heard a voice in my head saying, "you did good. You spoke up for yourself. Don't be self-condemning. Legalistic rules have held you hostage too long!"
And when I got home, I wrote the above post and pondered these thoughts:
- What other Rules of being a good Christian are keeping me hostage?
- Who else is in my head bossing me around?
- What attitude is it time to change?
- Who do I need to stop listening to? (online advice givers, perhaps.)
Simply put, a deconstruction journey can take several forms. So can a reconstruction journey.
If you're on one, pay attention to what you're thinking. Be kind to yourself
