Continuing the Deconstruction Journey

You may have noticed I’ve been quietly exploring some deeper questions of faith over on my other blog, Exploring Faith Beyond Tradition. Exploring Faith Beyond Tradition 

It’s a space where I’ve been reflecting on what many are now calling “deconstruction”—a word that can feel unsettling, yet often simply describes a sincere desire to understand what we believe, and why.

Some are rethinking long-held beliefs. Others are stepping back from church structures. And some are simply longing to know Jesus more personally, beyond what they were taught.

I'm an older woman than many on this deconstruction journey. I sensed I needed to pull away from church several years ago as a sleep disorder started intruding into my life. (Undiagnosed #ME/CFS is what I now call it though I'm under physician care.) Getting to church Sunday morning became more and more difficult. Yet, I persisted for the good of our family. And then the children became adults and paused church attendance for themselves. 

My story about stepping back is too long and cumbersome to tell here, but in the blog mentioned above you can read some of the awareness I came to. 

Rather than continue on that blog interface, I chose to continue my journey here on this blogger template as I am more familiar with it. 

THE CONTINUED JOURNEY

In understanding my own journey which includes detaching from institutional church, I've met with challenges. Guilt is a big one. But even so, it's hard to know if what I feel is conviction of the Holy Spirit, or false guilt. What I might feel--often on a Saturday or Sunday night--could be grief, longing, impatience; wanting to know the end of the story of where my faith practices head next; wanting assurance that my children will still pursue God in their lives. 

My church-going life has seen many changes in my 60+ years and I'm trying to make sense of it. I want to know what to shed that is inauthentic. I don't want to be seen as overly-religious (as I've been told in the past). But I do want to nurture my faith as I feel it is part of me.

WHAT IS THE ANSWER?

Feeling the need to fix my off-course spiritual journey has been tantamount. I'm a fixer. I am a problem solver. Some routines feel important to me. Changing my routine this late in life brings questions. 

Church often provides a social culture--connection to others with similar values. 

My husband is half of our marriage, and he says he is done with church. My adult children could care less about church now. I get these points of view, but I don't know if I should feel upset. I try to give my feelings, my husband, my children to God to deal with. 

Though many deconstructionists leave the church, that doesn't mean they lose their sense of desiring to connect with God or others of the same faith. We all know iron sharpens iron. We seek comfort from others at times. 

My parents were my models. Their church was their community. What happens if you lose your community especially as a senior?

Where do we find support when we need it? When you leave the church--the people of the same faith as you--how do you fill the gap? Do you need to fill the gap? 

EVERYTHING IS CHANGING

When my dad passed away, the church he had attended provided a lunch after the funeral. And so many attended.  It was a blessing. I recall saying, I needed to find a church that will make sandwiches for a funeral when or if needed. 

But nowadays, church attendance is dwindling. The number of older people who made sandwiches and so on, is dwindling too. Many people are having family members cremated and holding graveside gatherings or no gathering at all. The pandemic ushered in many changes. Everything is different. 

And what became tiresome for my husband and myself is copycat churches all doing the same thing in the same formats. I guess that's something that hasn't changed fast enough.  

So part of my journey has included coming to terms with change and also lack of change.

RULES

I had an epiphany the other day. I wrote this on my BlueSky account

 

I told a store clerk my grocery points weren’t showing up. I’d already tried fixing it online, so I asked her to make sure my card went through. She said it hadn’t—and there was nothing she could do.

Instead of listening, she explained what she thought I was doing wrong. I felt dismissed. Finally, I looked at her and said, “I disagree,” then stepped back to pack my groceries. She kept talking. I chose not to engage and walked away.

I left annoyed—but also aware of something deeper I told myself: You did good. You spoke up. Don’t turn this into guilt.

And when I got home, I wrote the above post and pondered these thoughts:

• What other Rules of being a good Christian are keeping me hostage? 
  
  
• Who else is in my head bossing me around?
  
  
• What attitude is it time to change? 
  
  
• Who do I need to stop listening to? (online advice givers, perhaps.) 

Simply put, a deconstruction journey can take several forms. So can a reconstruction journey. 

If you’re on that path, pay attention to your thoughts.
Be kind to yourself. Don't be afraid to speak up. 
Most of all, let go of unnecessary self-judgment.